


Bro Strider's Guide to Feeding Weird Kids

by ChasetheSun2



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (In mention only), Article style, Baby Dave, Gen, Magazine Article, Recipes, Strider Zine 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 08:18:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19719790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChasetheSun2/pseuds/ChasetheSun2
Summary: So ok.Shit’s a little up in the air right now and the game bro magazine hasn’t picked up so here’s a bonus article in some fancy ass cooking magazine thing about how to feed the pickiest little kid in existence.





	Bro Strider's Guide to Feeding Weird Kids

So ok.

Shit’s a little up in the air right now and the game bro magazine hasn’t picked up so here’s a bonus article in some fancy ass cooking magazine thing about how to feed the pickiest little kid in existence.

First of all it’s important to know that this kid. Holy shit. He loves apples and apple juice so much. I don’t know why, the shit tastes like battery acid to me. But he goes full on fangirl with excitement when I even think of apples, so whatever. If the recipe doesn’t have apples in it, then he’s not touching it.

Apples and cheese and ice cream, man. That’s where it’s at for my little bro.

Is that enough of a boring drawn out story about suburban living? Can I go on to the actual recipe now? Anyway so here’s some recipes that are halfway decent enough for this magazine so i can get paid and buy more apples for this weirdo.

Shoutout to my main man Dave for being a picky little brat. He’s wild. I bet he’ll be great at parties when he’s older.

\--

**EASY APPLE PIE**

Alright so I’m gonna start with the obvious one and hope that all the Karens and Carols of the world can follow along for their own weird kids they got chained up at home. 

You know when they say that shit is easy as pie? Pie is not easy. Fuck those people. You have to peel and slice a metric assload of apples and then boil that metric assload of apples in sugar and cinnamon, hope they don’t turn out like mush because you bought shitty apples and then cool it off until it looks like apple jam but with extra soggy bits.

Then you have to take water and butter and mix that shit. Butter has to be COLD, too, man, like colder than your last ex’s heart levels of cold. Pop that shit in the freezer if you really have to. Chunk it up and make sure the butter stays cold and sort of together in the batter, then add water to it until it’s an actual dough. Are a batter and a dough the same thing? Who fucking cares, not this kid apparently. He’ll devour it anyway.

Anyway pop that sucker in the oven for an hour and then prepare to have the literal spawn of satan crawl across the ceiling snarling like a rabid dog and demanding the fruits of your labor. Add some cheap ice cream if you really wanna see this guy go nuts.

  
  


**GRILLED CHEESE WITH APPLES AND WAFFLES**

I told you man, this kid is wild. This is his favorite meal. And it’s not even that fancy ass brie shit you actually can pair with fruit, oh no. It’s straight up cheddar. Like the most basic of bitches of cheese, melted on a waffle, with a couple apple slices thrown in for good measure. If you want to get fancy and make your own waffles, be my guest, but little man here just likes straight up Eggos. I can’t blame him, for a frozen piece of cardboard it comes out pretty fluffy. 

Anyway boom. Instant lunch for my bro. Give him a glass of apple juice and stand back to watch the carnage. Bring an umbrella, cause he’s a messy little fuck.

**PORK AND APPLES**

My bro ain’t so keen on this one, I think he just doesn’t like meat or something, but at least he’ll eat it. Thank god because it’s easy and pork is usually on sale so I can manage to get some good old bulk prices for that shit. It doesn’t even have to be a good cut for this one, either, that’s the benefits of being cheap and throwing apples into whatever seems to stick.

So what you want to do is take your cheap pork and pound the hell out of it. Really beat your meat like it’s Friday night and your date just stood you up. Add some salt to that shit to make the metaphor a reality. You’re still salty as fuck that Brad or whatever his name is dumped you, so take that shit out on the dead pig sitting on the counter. It’s therapeutic. Let the brat watch, apparently beating the hell out of dinner is hilarious to him.

Stick the pork in a baking pan or a skillet if you’re rich enough to have one of those lying around, toss in some butter, maybe some fancy ass herbs like rosemary or whatever and then just go mad with the apples. Dave likes his on top of the pork so the flavor really sticks in there, but it doesn’t matter. If you’re not an apple fanatic you don’t have to go hog wild with the stuff. Just stick it in the oven and wait for a bit and bam, dinner is served. Bonus points if you make some fries so the kid has something to chew on while actual dinner is cooking.

**APPLE SALAD**

Ok so this is probably the weirdest and easiest one and I’m not even joking when I say that it is so fucking out there how apeshit my bro will go if you set this down in front of him. It’s literally just cucumber and apple and chicken and mayo. That’s it. It’s so easy, just dice up the fruit and veg, pop in some premade chicken and dump a whole bunch of mayo in. If you wanna get real fancy use that “vinaigrette” shit instead of mayo and add bacon. Kid loves bacon too but he goes hog wild for the “long apples.” That’s what he calls cucumbers, man. Long apples. Hell if it gets him to eat something that’s not covered in cheese and grease I’m not gonna correct him. It’s gonna break his little heart when he goes grocery shopping on his own though.

**APPLE BUTTER**

Remember how I said that cheap ass apples turn to mush in apple pie just a few paragraphs up there. If you don’t first of all get your shit checked and second read it again. Those apples ain’t useless. My bro only eats toast if it has apple butter, so you’re not exactly SOL with your own brats if you fuck up the pie. Just make the crust, let the apples sit and go buy some actually good apples to remake it with.

When you’re making apple butter put some like honey or lemon in the pot just to break up the cinnamon cause I don’t know about any other kids but this one doesn’t like tasting cinnamon on everything. He barely likes it in pie. Use the bare amount, bro. I know it’s practically criminal not to include it though so like be gentle on the poor kid’s tastebuds.

Anyway when you’re done and the apples are a mush you can pop that shit in an empty jam jar and stick it in the fridge. If you boil seal the jar it’ll last a good couple months too so this is super easy to, I dunno. Make in bulk and sell at farmer’s markets or whatever suburban housewives with no job and a nanny and maids do with their spare time.

**APPLE CAKE**

So like so far my lil bro has had something like four birthdays and he’s still a picky fuck. So every year since this whole apple thing started he’s been going on about apple cake and buddy I am about to blow his whole mind because I finally found a cake he’ll eat. 

Actual fucking apple cake, man. I am the best older bro. 

Anyway so there’s more cinnamon and again if your kid is as tastebud impaired as mine you’ll wanna cut down on the amount you use, just sayin. Who the hell doesn’t like cinnamon with their apples. 

Dice those fuckers up into little chunks and cook them down just like apple pie mix again except this time they’re little squares. Put them aside, you’ll need em later. Get a golden cake mix and add all the regular shit, then dump in extra stuff like nutmeg, brown sugar and allspice. What the fuck even is allspice anyway. It just smells like more nutmeg. Put in some applesauce instead of eggs for extra apple flavor, lil bro goes wild for it. Or if you’re, I dunno. Vegan or whatever.

Dump the cooked apples in and if you wanna be the coolest big bro ever add some pecans. I got him to try pecan pie and apparently he likes it so thank whatever god is not out there, he likes something besides apples and cheese. 

I just use the cream cheese frosting that comes in the cans for this cake, tastes good enough. Put some apple butter in that too and whip that shit just to really overdose on apples.

\--

So there it is yall. The trip to the weird side of suburbia is over and you have some “quirky new recipes!!!” to show off to the other housewives. Be sure to tell them that Derrick Strider showed them to you and see what kinda look your husbands get on their faces. That’s right, bitches. Deuces, I’m out. I got a check to collect.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Stridercest Zine published July 7, 2019 by Grayvys and company - check out the full Stridercest Zine [here!](https://gumroad.com/l/stridercestzine)


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